Losing it All
by CrushedSoul12
Summary: Nikki and Lexi are battling their own demons. They may be best friends but they have been keeping huge secrets from each other. Their secrets are exposed when they end up in ER after a jog in Central Park. Can the support of Olivia Benson and a few other friends help them put their broken pieces back together? *TW: ED & SH*


**Chapter 1**

Nik sat in her house. She began to stare at the wall. Nothing could seem to go right. She was so close to breaking down and losing it all. She felt as though her life was in a downward spiral into oblivion and she was digging her own grave. Almost all of her just didn't care. Trauma had got the best of her and dealing with family life. She just didn't know what to do or say anymore. She decided to go for a run through central park. She was pushing to lose more pounds before she did her weigh in.

She called her friend Lexi to meet her there even though she just didn't want her to exercise. "Hey Lexi can you meet me at central park?"

"Sure I will be there in 10 minutes." Lexi took off from her house hoping the last thing she would find was her best friend passed out.

Nikki jogged in place while she waited for Lexi to show up.

"I'm here, I'm here." Lexi said running up to Nikki.

"Took you long enough." Nikki snapped.

"Do you need a tampon? Cause I have extra!" Lexi snapped back. "For the record it took me 10 minutes like I said I would, so calm your tits and let's run the trail."

Nikki just rolled her eyes. "Whatever, let's go."

They both placed head phones in their ears and started jogging.

All of a sudden Nikki started to feel weak, her heart started to palpitate, she shrugged it off and continued to go. She hadn't been completely honest with her friend about just how bad she was back into her eating disorder.

Lexi, noticed Nikki was falling behind on their run today. She slowed down and pulled an ear bud from her ear, "Are you ok? You don't seem with it today."

'Fuck.' Nikki thought. How was she so transparent?

"C'mon, Nikki really? We have our periods together. You really think I can't tell when something is going on with you?"

"Just drop it ok?" Nikki said. She was desperately trying to keep her breathing even. But she was starting to get dizzy.

Nikki tried to push through it, she kept running further. Soon though there was no staying with it. She blacked out and hit the ground. Lexi starts screaming, taking off for her. "Nikki, please wake up? I can't loose you, I love you way to much, you're my other half!"

Lexi pulled Nikki into her lap and pulled out her phone, dialing 911. "Help me! I'm in central park and my friend just collapsed. Please hurry!"

15 minutes later EMT's are lifting Nikki out of Lexi's lap and onto a gurney.

"I'm riding with her!" Lexi said insistently. She climbed into the back of the truck and grasped her best friend's hand. She prayed all the way to the hospital that her best friend wouldn't leave her all alone.

When they got to the ER Lexi had to be physically separated from Nikki's side. She was hysterical. "Please, just let me stay with her! She needs me!"

The Dr's and nurses forced her to stay in the waiting room until they had finished running their tests on Nikki. When they were finished, Lexi was allowed to go in her room and when she saw tubes sticking out of her friend she broke down. She sat in the chair next to the bed and held her hand. "I'm here Nik, I'm here."

Nikki slowly woke up and immediately started ripping off her oxygen mask and IV's. She looked over at Lexi and begged her to take her home.

Lexi shook her head, "I'm sorry my darling, but you can't go home."

"I need to go home, me being here is a mistake, there is nothing wrong. I don't need these IVS and I don't need this oxygen! Everything is fine. MY life is completely fine. I really don't need to be in here. I have just had a slight dizzy spell and I pushed myself way to hard, that's all." Before Nikki could finish the doctor walked in.

Lexi didn't know what to do. So she ignored Nikki and pulled out her phone. She didn't even notice the Doctor in the room until she heard her voice and she introduced herself as Antwonette Stewart. Her head snapped up and she glared at her. "YOU?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" She shouted at the top of her lungs. "DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING GO NEAR HER!"

Antwonette tried to pretend she didn't know who Lexi was, but that was a lie. "I'm just here to do my job Lexi, relax."

Nikki watched as Lexi began to fall apart. Lexi had never told her what the woman had done. "Lexi, do you know her?"

"Yeah, I do. She raped me!" Lexi shouted. She shouted so loud security and nurses came into the room.

A nurse at the desk speed dialed SVU.

Meanwhile they had no clue what to do with Nikki, she blurted out "What about contacting my old therapist Kendra? She will let me out of this damn hell hole!"

Nikki was so lost she didn't understand what was going on. She was confused and overwhelmed, she just wanted out. She missed Kendra, she trusted her. Lexi was losing it, she had no idea what was happening.

Lexi was being restrained by three nurses. She was cussing and swinging and kicking at anyone that came near her. "Get the fuck off me! Let me go! Just let me kill her!"

Lexi was hysterical. The staff had enough. They gave her a shot in her ass and she found herself in the bed next to Nikki's, restrained and out of it.

Benson and Rollins ran up to the nurses desk and flashed their badges. "We got a call about an outcry of rape." Olivia said.

"Yes, right this way detectives. Your victim had to be sedated and restrained." The nurse said, leading them into Nikki and Lexi's room.

"You restrained a rape victim are you seriously that mental?! Did you get your degree off the back of a damn cereal box?" Olivia blurted out. "I suggest you unrestrain her unless you are trying to make things worse. We are taking her to the station with us."

"I can't allow that, Doctors orders maam." The nurse said.

"Well I guess I will be talking to the doctor then wont I and maybe talk to them on proper ways to treat a victim, oh and I will have your job!" Olivia said.

"I will get the doctor for you." The nurse said backing out of the room.

Olivia was on a roll she couldn't even hold back "Good at least you know how to do something right!"

Olivia meets up with the doctor "Sir, I will be taking this from here. One you never restrain a rape vic. I understand the sedation but still come on I know you have more brains than that. I need to take her to the station with me. We need a statement asap."

Olivia followed the doctor into the hospital room. "Hi sweetie, I'm Olivia Benson, I'm here to help you." Lexi started to cry. "Please let me out of these, I feel like I'm being attacked all over again."

"I will be working on that honey, Doctor!" She gave him a look like "I know you have brains use them."

They took the restraints off they were letting her out. She needed to go with Olivia. She had to have a rape kit done. "Wait I can't leave Nikki!"

Olivia spoke up, "I'm not here to help her darlin just you. The doctor said her therapist Kendra was on the way."

"Ok I guess I have to go then." Lexi said.

Kendra rushes up to the nurses station. She waited patiently while the nurse was on the phone, but she started to get annoyed. She slammed her hand on the desk, "Look! I just flew in from Ohio. You have one of my old patients in your care and I need to see her. NOW!"

The nurse apologized and lead her into the room.

It was utter chaos. A girl was crying and trying to climb into Nikki's bed and Nikki had all kinds of tubes sticking out of her.

"What the hell is going on in here?!"

Olivia looked over at Kendra. "I need to get Lexi to come with me. It looks like Nikki is really sick and Lexi is scared to leave because she feels like it might be the last time she could see her."

Kendra looked over at Lexi "Well since Nikki used to talk about you all the time I know how important you are to her. What if I can promise you that she will be in good hands?"

"I don't fucking know you!" Lexi hid her face in Nikki's neck. "I'm scared, Nikki. Please don't let them take me!"

"Darlin you need to take care of you, I promise I am not going anywhere I will still be here when you get back. It looks like me on the other hand I have a lot of explaining to do to Kendra." Kendra gave Nikki that look of you know you do.

Lexi wiped her tears and kissed Nikki on the cheek. "Ok..." She climbed out of Nikki's bed and slowly walked towards Olivia and Amanda. "Ok, coppers lead me to my death." She says dramatically.

"We just want to talk to you, sweetheart. You're not in any trouble." Olivia says. She can tell by the way the girl was acting that she was traumatized. Without another word Lexi finally leaves with Olivia and Amanda.

Kendra waits until they are out of sight before turning her attention to Nikki, "So, what the hell are we doing here?"

"Well, you see...shit. I got nothing. Shit went bad ok?!" Nikki says.

"You ended up in the right place if you ask me." Kendra said.

"I don't need to be here. I had them call you so you could let me the hell out of here!" Nikki said.

"Nikki, with all the time we spent together, did you honestly think that would happen?" Kendra asks.

"Yeah, cause you're not my shrink anymore. So, you can't sign off on them keeping me in here." Nikki said.

"That's where you're wrong my dear. You asked for me. And I showed up. So, it looks like I'm in charge of your care." Kendra said with a shit eating grin on her face.

Nikki had an 'oh shit' look on her face. "Listen, I don't belong here. Right now, I need to be with Lexi. Her world is falling apart. So what I passed out today while we went running. That doesn't mean I need treatment." Nikki said. She was grasping at straws and she knew it.

Kendra looked back at her "Nikki you know you can trust me, I know when something is wrong. I am here to help you not hurt you. You look so sick right now. I will be here for the next few months over looking your care."

Nikki looked up at Kendra "What about your other clients, I'm sure someone is in more of a crisis." Kendra spoke back up "Well last i checked none of them were hooked up to IV's, oxygen, and a heart monitor."

Suddenly it dawned on Nikki. "Wait?! What do you mean the next few months?!"

"That's not important. It's time for your evaluation." Kendra said. She pulled up a chair next to Nikki's bed.

"When was the last time you ate?" She asked.

"Uh...a few days ago." Nikki said.

"When was the last time you purged?" Kendra asked.

"When I ate a few days ago...duh." Nikki said.

"Don't be a smart ass." Kendra said. "Now, how many laxatives or diuretics have you taken this week?"

"None." Nikki said.

"Have you been cutting?" Kendra asked.

"Well, you see...I was shaving and I may or may not have accidently knicked myself a few times..." Nikki said.

"I'm going to take that as a yes." Kendra said.

Nikki rolled her eyes and sighed.

Kendra began reading through the chart, going through the test results.

"You're not gonna like this. But, I'm going to order a feeding tube for you. Dr. Stewart was right for recommending it." Kendra said.

"Wait what?! Why do I need that? Kendra please no you cant allow that!" Nikki said.

"I'm sorry Nikki, your'e sick, your results show your body is shutting down. You not within your goal weight." Kendra said.

"No please don't sign off on that, I'm grown, I have all rights to my medical!"Nikki said.

"Who's your current therapist?" Kendra asked.

Nikki snapped her mouth shut. She knew what Kendra would do. She would call her therapist and get her to sign off on it. No way in hell was she going to allow that to happen!

"You know what it doesn't matter who it is, because she is going to jail for raping lexi!" Nikki cried.

"Your therapist raped Lexi?" Kendra asked confused.

"Well...you see i really don't know the whole story, so, i guess im therapistless, and maybe i need to shut up cause im digging my own hole and i cant get and im just going to shut up now..." Nikki rambled. "Look either way Im grown And i have all medical rights to my body!"

"Don't make this harder than it has to be. Sign the consent form or I will dig through your medical records until I find out who your therapist is." Kendra said.

"I was telling the truth, the women who raped Lexi was my therapist I promise, I'm not lying" Nikki starts to cry.

"Well, I'm your therapist now. You asked for me to come here so work with me." Kendra said softly.

**Meanwhile at the 16th precinct...**

Lexi is walking laps in the interview room.

"You know talking might help with everything you have going on inside." Olivia says.

Lexi looks up at her from the floor, "Nope. Nothing happened." She goes back to walking laps around the room.

"That's not what you were shouting at the emergency room. Sweetie please talk to me. She has already been arrested and confessed to what she has done. We want to be able to help you." Olivia said.

Lexi looks down "I'm more worried about my friend Nikki, she is the one dying! I thought she was dead. She was going through so much, I should have said something. I should have done something."

Olivia sat right next to Lexi "What's going on with her is not your fault. You couldn't have known if she hid it and didn't want anyone to know."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"I am ashamed." Lexi said softly. Tears started falling down her face. "I trusted her. We even became close. It happened twice. Once in her office and once where I was living." She stood up and started pacing back and forth again.

Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry, but I need you to tell me everything that happened." She said. Olivia could tell Lexi was still in denial this had happened.

"You said she already confessed!" Lexi snapped.

Lexi started to go into detail. It took her forever to get everything out. By the time she was done she was exhausted and just wanted to see Nikki.

Olivia hugged Lexi and held her while she cried. "It's ok. I'm going to help you get past this. I promise." She said.

**Back at the hospital...**

Nikki was asking herself why she called Kendra in the first place. Things were not going as she planned.

Kendra looked at Nikki, "I know you don't want this but I'm sorry I have to do what's best for you even if that means pissing you off." Nikki looked up at Kendra "I know, I guess I just I've missed you so much, I lost my way, more started going on in my life that I just couldn't handle."

"Well sweet girl I am here now." Kendra said.

"Please don't leave me while they do the NG tube." Nikki begged.

"I'm not going anywhere." Kendra said taking Nikki's hand.

A doctor and nurse walked in with a tray. "Hello Nikki, we are here to do your feeding tube."

"Obviously." Nikki said. She just had to make one more smart ass comment before they began fattening her up.

"Ok, Ill explain it to you step by step. The nurse is going to hold your head still and I'm going to take a small tube, lubricate the first 3-4 inches and stick it up your nose and it will go down into your stomach. Every 2 inches I will have you take a sip of water because you need to swallow water to help it go down." The doctor explained. They raised the bed so Nikki was in an upright position. "The nurse is going to hold your head now. "

Nikki squeezed Kendra's hand. "Please don't let go."

"I won't."

Nikki watched as the doctor measured out the tubing from her nose to her sternum before winding it around his index finger 6 times. Then he dipped the first 4 inches in lubricant. He pointed the curved end down and slowly started inserting the tube. After 2 inches were inserted, they gave Nikki some water. "Take a couple sips please."

Nikki takes a couple of sips and feels the tube go further down.

The doctor continues like this until the place he marked off is under Nikki's nose and tapes it in place. "Ok, that's it." He finally says.

Nikki was just biding her time until everyone left the room so she could yank the damn thing out.

"Nikki, I know you're not happy about this, but before I leave for the night, I need to see your cuts." Kendra says.

"Wait why, you didn't mention that earlier." Nikki became nervous and began to tug on the ng tube. "Look I really don't think this is necessary"

"Nikki, stop it!" Kendra says. She grabs her hands and calls for a nurse. "I'm sorry but now I have to have you restrained."

"No please! don't you can't! Please don't hurt me!" Nikki screamed.

Kendra realized her mistake. "Hey! Look at me. Where are you right now?"

"No! STOP! You can't do this please stop!" Kendra knew she had to jump into action Nikki was no longer present. Kendra knew deep down there was something she never told her.

The nurse comes rushing in. The stick it through the IV tubing.

Nikki starts to calm down slightly. She still wasn't sure where she was.

Kendra knew exactly what to do. "Nikki, sweetie where are you." She asks.

"Not here, its a place I just don't want to be" Nikki says far away.

"Nikki look at me in and out, lets ground, touch my hand. Breathe. Look into my eyes. Breathe some more. Who am I?"

"Kendra."

"Where are we?"

"In the hospital, In a room."

"Are you safe?"

"Yes, he's not here."

"Okay, keep breathing In and out."

Nikki began to calm down once she realized she was safe. She wasn't sure if everything was going to be ok. She knew Kendra was going to have a lot of question's. For now she was exhausted. The sedative was causing her to fall asleep. She drifted off but before she did she looked over at Kendra "You're safe now, it's okay to sleep." Like that she was out.

Kendra went out into the hallway to give the doctors the full report and what kind of care she thought Nikki needed. She knew that this was the beginning of a long and bumpy road for her. She now wanted to get ahold of Olivia and check on Lexi before she headed back to her hotel room. She had a long day ahead of her tomorrow.


End file.
